what in the absolute fuck is this? elgoog issuing an “official corporate statement regarding microsoft’s bid for yahoo“? is this a joke? after telling all employees last week to keep their mouths shut???? for those interested, i’ve translated google’s official statement into plain english and changed drummond’s dialogue into exactly what he’s means (my translations below each paragraph are in brackets and are italicized, the rest is from elgoog verbatim]]]:

Yahoo! and the future of the Internet
Posted by David Drummond, Senior Vice President, Corporate Development and Chief Legal Officer

[[yahoo and the future of the internet, and how google might be totally screwed. - posted by a guy with a law degree, google]]

The openness of the Internet is what made Google — and Yahoo! — possible. A good idea that users find useful spreads quickly. Businesses can be created around the idea. Users benefit from constant innovation. It’s what makes the Internet such an exciting place.

[[the openness of the internet is what makes it possible for google to aggregate incredible amounts of data on both individuals and businesses as well as governmental orgs and ngo’s alike. a good idea that users find that employs 8 or fewer individuals is a great google acquisition. users benefit from whatever we tell them to benefit from.]]]

So Microsoft’s hostile bid for Yahoo! raises troubling questions. This is about more than simply a financial transaction, one company taking over another. It’s about preserving the underlying principles of the Internet: openness and innovation.

[[we were completely blindsided by microsoft’s bid and we’re afraid that the board will vote down our own bid considering the number of private equity firms lining up behind microsoft to take a stab at this. this is about more than just a transaction, it’s about google getting kicked in the ass. it’s about preserving our traffic volume through integrated applications before microsoft and yahoo beat us to the punch.]]

Could Microsoft now attempt to exert the same sort of inappropriate and illegal influence over the Internet that it did with the PC? While the Internet rewards competitive innovation, Microsoft has frequently sought to establish proprietary monopolies — and then leverage its dominance into new, adjacent markets.

[[could microsoft now leverage their consumer and business marketing expertise and technical brilliance to alter the shape of the internet? while google rewards competitive innovation by acquiring and eliminating companies in a manner identical to that of microsoft, oracle and others over the past two decades, microsoft will have more leverage than us in all adjacent markets if this works]]

Could the acquisition of Yahoo! allow Microsoft — despite its legacy of serious legal and regulatory offenses — to extend unfair practices from browsers and operating systems to the Internet? In addition, Microsoft plus Yahoo! equals an overwhelming share of instant messaging and web email accounts. And between them, the two companies operate the two most heavily trafficked portals on the Internet. Could a combination of the two take advantage of a PC software monopoly to unfairly limit the ability of consumers to freely access competitors’ email, IM, and web-based services? Policymakers around the world need to ask these questions — and consumers deserve satisfying answers.

[[if this happens we’ll have one tenth the volume of active web mail accounts and about 1 thousandth the volume of integrated instant messaging accounts. additionally, combined property traffic will make us the number two site and that will adversely effect advertising revenue and our adsense partners will take flight in volume for the new msft/yahoo channels. we’ll be totally fucked. of shit, oh god, oh please somebody help us. oh please how did this happen. we were on top of everything and in six months that could all change and we’ll be fucked, fucked like netscape, fucked like sun, oh shit, oh please. help us. somebody please help. please. i am crying. alone. in my office. i will sell my google stock now, should have over 700 but will definitely sell now. we are fucked.]]

This hostile bid was announced on Friday so there is plenty of time for these questions to be thoroughly addressed. We take Internet openness, choice and innovation seriously. They are the core of our culture. We believe that the interests of Internet users come first — and should come first — as the merits of this proposed acquisition are examined and alternatives explored.

[[this just happened so hopefully we can derail it with false legal pleas, perhaps tying up our courts with bullshit arguments and distracting from the doubleclick nonsense. we take choice and innovation seriously, provided it’s a choice between different things that google offers, not things from other companies. we take aggregating immense amounts of personal data and communications very seriously, it’s the core of our culture. leveraging information about you and all internet users to make money is the core of our culture. we are a for profit money making machine and this transaction could seriously fuck up our shit - and we believe that the interests of google should come first - as the merits of this proposed acquisition are examined and our own acquisition alternatives explored. we may have to purchase myspace or rethink our deal with AOL just to get through this mess. did i mention that we’re totally fucked if this happens?]]

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