PassingNotes.com

so what the shit? all i keep reading about day in and day out is people pissing and moaning about how elgoog somehow wronged them…makes me wanna just read scoble all day…first it’s a bunch of folks whining about how gmail is all screwed up, how it even erases accounts sometimes…and if it’s not that, it’s some more crap about how their new products kinda suck ass (googlepages being a case in point)…one geeky dude even wrote a rant about 25 things that suck about elgoog, even though he assumes some level of knowledge from the reader, and winds up being all, “habbada hoobida” over random bullshit that even yahoo and msn get wrong…and then of course, topping all of it is the wild shit storm debris that’s still settling from their bad investor communications update recently….

so what, pray tell, might they do? my advice to barry and sergio: run with it baby! take this opportunity to completely alienate or polarize your users and find out, like stalin, just who’s really on your side…some specific ideas:

1) right before your next earnings announcement, have your ceo (that derek shmiz guy) announce that elgoog services will no longer be available to blacks or jews - that will really confound the analysts…but how to implement such a strategy? it’s simple, just require users to register for use of the basic search engine…since they already register for everything else you have it’s no biggie…then require that they submit race and religion along with weight and their mobile phone number (oh, that’s right, you already have those numbers) and verify it (you have the money to do that, don’t worry, you can probably use dell’s call center)

b) buy jboss - that will completely fuck with people who are trying to figure out what you’re doing for money, and it’ll make oracle insane and screw up that whole embedded division that they’re trying to build out…then announce that you’re going to follow up by buying sun (duh, that’s gonna happen anyways) and then totally make ‘em crazy by purchasing a major middle tier carrier like t-mobile (oh, that’s already in the cards too, huh?)

three) have barry and sergio drive large trucks, smoke and say shit like, “(pointing to coffee machine) hey, somebody wanna make me one of them bitches? ’cause i’m still a little groggy from all that x” - or alternatively, have one of those cute holiday-oriented logos that you do for christmas and stuff be some kind of porn shape, like a boob or weiner!

IV) hire tom delay (you can figure for what later, just do it now!)

5) start telling people that you’re really a “web 2.0″ company and that’s why a bunch of the shit that you’re cranking out doesn’t totally work right, but do point out that eventually picasa will maybe work on macs …and also come out with a version of desktop search that instead of peer to peer services offers the option to transmit data directly to the government…oh wait, not sure about that, some users might actually elect to share their activity with the feds…there’s always somebody, right?

seis. ) announce a new ‘retail strategy‘ and promote heavily through starbucks and walmart, which basically would allow you to draw a big circle around roughly 80 percent of the country all at once, rich and poor, and then use low cost walmart labor to provide customer service (you know, because it’s not something that you actually offer, right? or am i wrong?)

asdf: sell that next big round of stock, then take like 6 billion in cash, split it up between all of the employees and then shut down real quick and take off…people would be totally confused! (plus, steal the office chairs and shit too!)

…look, these are just ideas, that’s why they’re called ‘ideas‘ - you don’t have to do any of ‘em, because you’re all big kids and surely you can figure out how to eventually make a public announcement that addresses these growing concerns…right? or are you just gonna keep all nine billion of your regular users hangin?

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