ever wonder what big consulting firms do to fill the idle time of consultants because utilization rates tend to be so low? the answer: do some kinda bullshit survey, ideally in conjunction with some other organization that also has too much free time…now don’t get all pissy with me, because i agree that some of these studies are good stuff - though often they’re just a load of shit tagged with logos, contacts and associated whitepapers (also authored by idle-time consultants spitting up erstwhile reflections on crap that means nothing to those of us who live in the here and now..)

oh, my point? well, i actually stumbled onto summary results of a big survey from informationweek done in conjunction with accenture that looked at how companies spy on their employees…errr, i mean ‘how companies monitor employee communications to ensure privacy and promote security‘….the results should chill your shit and remind you that there’s always a good reason to own your own ‘other’ computer …here’s the skinny on the numbers for over 2,500 us-based businesses that responded:

15 percent track printing and photocopying (get your ass off of that machine! only i do that)
2 in 5 review phone logs (no more phone-singles calls…)
1/3 monitor opening of email attachments (and i’ll bet half of all cio’s keep the good nudey pics)
1/3 monitor instant messaging (that’s gotta be boring-ass job, reviewing im logs)
30 percent track time in the office (hey, something to be said for ‘face time’ employers, welcome back!)
44 percent examine employee internet use (duh, thought that would be a higher number)
10 percent monitor home worker productivity (how? that one begs for detail…)
1 in 5 review fax transmissions (getting harder to run football pools all of the time, ouch)
2 percent monitor keystrokes per hour (that’s some fucked up shit, monitoring keystrokes, reeks of login/id theft)

*supposedly at elgoog - and i’m just imagining this - these numbers might be pushing 100 percent across the board, and they supposedly take doody samples out of the bathroom pipes and steal hair samples from high-back seats and hire former low-cost russian kgb dudes to follow new employees home…

…so remember kids: your cell phone - if it’s not on a corporate server via smart phone apps - is just about the last safe haven…or snail mail….or shit, you know what? why don’t you just quit your job and blog full time?

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